Phil Harrass Private HMI 

I'd called in at Royal Terrace ostensibly to find out whether the Special Teaching Service, the GTC's covert operations division, had any work for me. Finding no one who could help, I decided to visit Q in the basement.

I liked the short tempered, old ex-science 
technician and he didn't seem to mind my company so long as I didn't look like damaging any of the devices he'd invented to make life easier for teachers.

"Ah, morning Harrass," he said. "Been abducted by aliens again recently?" "Keep quiet about that, I said. "You're the only one who knows. What's this?" I pointed to a white metal cabinet with an LED display and some push buttons on it.

"It's a microwave toilet roll tube sterilizer," he said. "Means the children can still use them for making things without getting worms or gastro-enteritis." I moved on. "And this? Some sort of weighing machine?"

"It's an 'I speak your appraisal' unit. You stand on it, type in your targets for the coming year and it talks, then produces a print out."  "Can it really assess a guy?" "Of course not, but it has one advantage over conversational appraisal. Watch." He put an old packing case on the machine, flipped the top of a control stick and pressed a red button. The case shot through a hatch in the ceiling. "This method actually gets rid of the bad ones," he said, briefly displaying his rare smile. 

"Who presses the red button?" I asked. He did not answer but led me to a console with a whole bank of red buttons, each with a name under it. "This is a Foul Air Reduction Terminal," Q explained.

"If a teacher has trouble with a persistently flatulent pupil he can push one of these switches and activate an electronic sparker under the seat...". "Stop!" I yelled. "I've heard enough! "Have you nothing to show me that isn't violent or scatological?"

Q pursed his lips. "There's this," he said, indicating a tall cupboard. He opened it up. Inside was what looked like a shop dummy dressed in black shoes, grey trousers, a blue shirt with matching tie and a grey sports jacket. "It's obviously supposed to be a 
physics teacher," I said. "but what's it for?"

"It's our latest aid for the 5-14 Environmental 
Studies programme," Q replied. "It uses the same speech chip as the appraisal machine but it's had a lot of phrases fed into it to help primary teachers with science. "How do you turn it on?"  "Pull his tie."

I did so. The robot physics teacher clicked and whirred as it tilted its head downwards and raised a finger. "Ach, listen hen," it said, "just leave it to us at the big school. We'll tell you what they need to know for doing science in first year."

It's hard to talk when your jaw is on the bottom deck but I tried. "What the h. . . use is that?" I pulled the tie again. "It's important you lassies who've never done science don't go filling your weans' heads with nonsense" said the robot physics teacher.

"Oh, it's not a teaching aid," Q shook his head vigorously. "It's a stress relief device. It's got a detachable head and comes complete with a baseball bat." I joined in the headshaking. "Time to get out of Denver," I sighed, waving without looking back.

We are very grateful to Gregor and to Willis Pickard, Editor of the Times Educational Supplement Scotland (TESS) for granting copyright clearance. A slightly shorter version of the piece first appeared in Gregor's TESS column. Given the change of educational climate he not surprisingly gave up his Phil Harrass alter ego for a while. He still has a fortnightly slot in the Scots bit of TESS. This, especially for starting the Friday (or Monday) cheering up process, is always worth a read. And, recently Phil Harrass HMI has come out of retirement. 

When he isn't being Phil Harrass HMI, or a somewhat less covert columnist, Gregor Steele teaches -physics - among other things. He tells us that the above piece was partly inspired by a visit he paid as a PGCE student to SSERC‘s old Broughton Street premises. We particularly like the 5-14 Environmental Studies references. So, be warned - secondary scientists (especially yous physicists). If the tie fits, better watch out for the bats. And, no, we are not about to run any kind of competition along the lines of "Identify the real-life Q".